. Here is one big reason why so many people fail to control their behavior, or never seem to get what they truly want: You can’t hold “not doing something” as a reliable target. That’s because your mind always needs a subject to focus on. This means that the very act of trying NOT [...]]]>

.
Here is one big reason why so many people fail to control their behavior, or never seem to get what they truly want: You can’t hold “not doing something” as a reliable target. That’s because your mind always needs a subject to focus on. This means that the very act of trying NOT to focus on something, brings that thing into your field of thought. For example, if I say “Don’t think of a green tomato”, what do you immediately think of? A green tomato.
.
.
In other words, focusing on what you don’t want, gives you no way of putting the problem behind you. Similarly, when someone says “I don’t want to drink anymore”, or even “I need to stop drinking”, what is the subject they are focused on? “Drinking”. This is one reason why so many alcoholics are always in recovery, but never fully recovered. Drinking is always on their mind. They haven’t learned how to move past it.
.
.
Whenever you say what you don’t want, for example, I don’t want to smoke, I don’t want to drink, I don’t want to feel bad, sick, lonely, broke or stupid…it’s kind of like going into a grocery store with a shopping list of all the things you don’t want to buy: “I don’t want bread. I don’t want carrots. I don’t want eggs, I don’t want milk, cheese or butter…”
.
.
With such a list, you could spend all your time in the store trying to avoid certain items, without ever getting the things you really need! Similarly, if all you do is keep on saying that you don’t want to be a drunk, then you could spend all your time in rehab, without ever getting what you really need. You’ve got to do better than that. You see it’s not enough to keep on counting the days you have managed to avoid a certain behavior. Now there is something you must figure out, before you can truly set yourself free.
.

.You must determine the unmet needs
that are driving your behavior.

.

Start here: What do you think are some of the benefits of drinking? In other words, what are some of the good feelings you get when you are doing it? How does it make you feel on the upside? You see it’s not drinking that you want. What you really want are the feelings that drinking gives you.
.
.
By acknowledging the benefit of your actions, you start to get perspective on what you really want. And by thinking about what you want, as opposed to whatever you are trying to avoid, it effectively shifts your focus, and immediately points you in a better direction. Even better, knowing what you actually want to feel or accomplish, puts you in a much better position to assess all your options for getting there.
.
.
So it’s great that you have decided it is time to deal with your drinking problem. Now you must figure out what “dealing with it” actually looks like in a way that works for you. Eventually, you will have to have a way of knowing the job is finally done, otherwise you are in for a never-ending battle. If you don’t have a clear picture of what success in this area actually means to you, then how can you possibly achieve it? How can you come up with an effective strategy to get somewhere, when you haven’t even decided where you truly want to be?
.
.
Now it is time to get really flexible in your approach, and start asking yourself better questions. For example: “How will I be certain that I’ll never have to worry about another relapse?” Or, “How will I know when I have dealt with this problem once and for all?
.
.

.

.
.

“One thing I could never accept about being an alcoholic, was the idea that I was powerless over my behavior. In my head, it certainly seemed to be true. I had been a drunk for many years and had suffered horribly because of it. But once I finally realized how powerless I felt [...]]]> .

“One thing I could never accept about being an alcoholic, was the idea that I was powerless over my behavior. In my head, it certainly seemed to be true. I had been a drunk for many years and had suffered horribly because of it. But once I finally realized how powerless I felt in my heart, I decided there was no way in hell I was going to stay there.
.
.
I think we all know the feelings of being scared and powerless, but it’s something we usually try to avoid. Rather than just sitting with the feelings and trying to understand them. When it comes right down to it, how do you think a person feels about being an alcoholic? Or an addict? Or a compulsive gambler? How does it actually feel, knowing you can’t even control your own behavior?
.
.
I can’t speak for anybody else, but I know how it made me feel. It made me feel like a loser for an awfully long time. Fortunately, I was still pretty flexible in my thinking. And somewhere I had learned that ‘A loser isn’t someone who falls down. A loser is someone who stays down.’ Of those two options, defining myself as an alcoholic, or expanding my awareness, it was pretty clear which would serve me better. I could see the downside, as well as the upside, to believing I was powerless.
.
.
I decided it wasn’t for me. Always living in fear. Always in recovery. But never actually in control. And never fully recovered. Simply because of the words I was using to define myself. At the time, my exact thoughts were: ‘Admit you have a problem, but reject that you are powerless. As long as you can think, you have the power to make a choice.’
.
.
Of course back then I still couldn’t see what my choices were. Couldn’t see I had any other options, because I was too busy defending my own limited point of view. Took awhile to figure out, but eventually I realized that if I wanted to change my behavior, then I would have to change my beliefs. Otherwise, I knew I would become as dependent on coffee, cigarettes and Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, as I had been on getting drunk.”
.
.
From the book Set Yourself Free: The Guide For Drunks, Smokers, Addicts and Millionaires

by Michael Highstead
.
.
.